Consumer Questions about FCC’s Broadband Privacy Rules — A Satire

Published October 30, 2016

To prove to the public once and for all that the FCC’s proposed broadband privacy rules are designed to benefit consumers and not special interests, the FCC has agreed to answer some reel questions from reel people about their reel privacy concerns just before they vote on the rules October 27.

These reel consumer questions were chosen by the FCC’s new artificial intelligence algorithm to determine which of the four million questions submitted in the FCC comments for this proceeding were the most open, neutral, competitive, non-discriminatory, unbiased, and FCC-supportive.

So that these reel consumer questions can be immediately re-tweeted, liked on Facebook, ranked on Google, and echoed by Amazon, the FCC’s algorithm will only chose consumer questioners who are willing to make their name and all personally identifiable information fully available to edge providers to monetize however they want, but not available at all to any ISP.

Top Questions for the FCC Commissioners on Broadband Privacy Rules

  1. Did the FCC ask the FTC if it received more consumer privacy complaints concerning Internet edge companies or broadband ISPs? Mr. Smart E. Pants, 101 Noslow Lane, Portland Oregon, 01011
  2. Did the FCC research the number of data breaches of personally identifiable information by Internet edge companies versus broadband ISPs to determine which better protected consumers’ privacy? Ms. I. M. Needler, 1100 Nofast Lane, New York, New York 00001
  3. Did any consumer group bother to ask the above questions of the FCC in this proceeding? Mr. Real Deal, 4 Wishful Thinking Place, Butte Montana, 10101
  4. In trying to solve this consumer privacy problem did the FCC choose the simplest solution available?  Mr. Moccam Razor, President, Philosophical Consumer Alliance, 2 Simpler Way, Stanford California, 00011
  5. Will the FCC create a “Do Not Torture Me List,” for consumers to opt-out from the complexity of figuring out what private communications information the FCC’s broadband privacy rules actually protect and do not protect? Dr. John Oliver Title II, Central Ave, Comedy, California, 01010
  6. Can you draw a cartoon explanation of how these FCC broadband privacy rules work in the real world? Dr. Rubin Goldberg, Jean E. Us BLVD, Convoluted Way, Hawthorne New York, 11011
  7. Are the Public Switched Telephone Network and the router-ed Internet the same thing just like the FCC’s broadband privacy opt-in rules are the same as the FTC’s privacy opt-out rules? Mr. D. C. Tattler, Big Wink Way, Baltimore, Maryland 01110
  8. Will the FCC make clear to broadband consumers that the FCC’s privacy rules do not protect their personally identifiable information from indiscriminate use by every company on the Internet that isn’t their ISP? I. N. Lalaland, 247365 Foolingonlythemselves Street SW, Washington D.C. 00000

[Originally Published at Precursor]